Sunday, November 6, 2011

Back to the important things

Life has been too hectic and confusing, I forgot the most important part of me ART  but I did prep a canvas today.

Times they will be a changing.......

Life or this void of life must change, steps are in place already on several levels. Meeting tomorrow morning for the most important aspect, wish me some luck and send some positive energy that it all goes well. Other things in the works are starting, but its not the starting that matters it getting past the starting point and moving on from there.

Working on a connection too.
Hopefully that works out. Seems like there is promise there.

My most important focus is this meeting in the morning!

Friday, November 4, 2011

I am not lost in A void, i am lost in THE void!

I am so not lost in a void but rather I am quite lost in the void that has become the sorry shadow of the life I once lived.  Which yes is the past and is well to be forgotten but its not. 

I carry this list in my head of things to forget or things I have forgot that are brought up and trigger non stop crying if a song plays on the radio, oh hell I was shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop the other day and all I could think of was what fun Joe and I had shopping at the Tree (he enjoyed it more, I am not a big shopper).

Its like I don't understand my life, I was forced to leave everything I owned, my beautiful house, my horse and my woods to escape the beatings and almost being killed by Chris, and I am ok with that I did the right thing otherwise I would be dead.  But its Joe that haunts me and it is not even really him so much as the need to have a deep connection to someone like that, we were married for 15 years and I know not all of it was great but we did things together, enjoyed things together, played games together, entertained company together, had dinners together, coffee junkies, zoos, museums, we were connected.  I need a connection of some kind up here, I have no one here that I connect with.  (and NO I am not talking about sex, just incase you missed the point)

I have a job that I did like when I started but things have changed, people have come and gone, now I just work my ass off as others coast by, I cover their asses in order to save mine.  I make a low but better than some wage but its not enough for the amount of work I do and barely covers bills, I am in the process of working out of this issue, but that will just cause more stress and undo drama, however that will be theirs not mine, I try to remove drama from my life as much as I can.

My only real friend up here is one I have known since I was 19 although before moving up here I hadn't seen or heard from her for about 20 years,  she has been a great help and a good friend, but there is not that connection we are different people now, I want to go to a coffee house and play chess, I want to go to a play, a museum, the zoo, a day trip to the lighthouses in Maine, I need culture in my life and art. I want someone to finish my sentences!  Answer my questions without having to ask them. 

Although my life in more Zen focused now (not that this post reflects that in anyway since I am basically whining).  I know thats a bit of a change but nothing was getting my head over the horrors of the things that Chris did to me until I started living Zen so I guess I am a bit of a Zen Witch. I so miss my coven and all my Pagan friends - I have found no one here which totally surprises me, I have no like minded or even closely like minded people to talk to let alone connect with. 

I bought a house basically so I could have a cat - ok that is sad but true,  I do love the inside of my house but I hate the outside, need more money to take care of that (again i am working on that issue).

I am not unhappy don't miss understand,  I am just lost in this void that has become my life and I am trying all I can to get out of the void, I just need a connection, a link, a common bond with someone before I turn into a a shell of myself, the me that once was.  I know that that me is gone, or part of her, she was lost when Joe left but I know that my life is not over I will have that connection with someone again, and that connection I am talking about is not just with a man, I had that connection with several friends before, one more than others, I know these things are possible again but until I find them I am in the void that is now my life, a vast empty shell.  The good thing about that is that the emptiness can be filled with new things, new experiences, new hopes and dreams, new and old friends, new love and most important, new beginnings.

Time for yoga and get ready for work- Damn

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Yup I am still here.  Stay tuned for more.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

Here we go again

Just a quick note I am moving so everything is crazy.  But when its all done I will actually have an art studio workshop to do my stained glass in!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Life is so odd

So now I guess I have a boyfriend but i think that I might actually
Think that I am even less happy now. I am so confused

Sunday, July 3, 2011

A little more done

I have some great news about my art work coming .......

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I am so friggin confused!!!

Since leaving and divorcing the sorry excuse for a man that tried to kill me, things aren't working so good I don't think.  I am so un able to trust a man in any way that I catch myself trying to self sabotage anything I do feel.  I have no clue what I am doing Chris made everything so screwed up, I want to be able to feel love again.
Chris you didn't just leave bruises, black eyes and broken bones - you also left broken dreams, broken spirit and a broken heart unable to feel or accept love.  Your beatings beat down my heart and soul.  I thought the damages you inflicted were healed including the mental strife but now I see and know there are bigger and badder  damages lingering in my heart and mind caused by you. 

   I am left feeling so confused, do I just ignore my lack of emotional connection and hope it passes or just give in to the damage caused and not waste anyones time with my hollow emptiness??

Hell no eventually I will meet someone that just clicks, someone that makes me feel someone that feels the music and feels the music that is life.  They are there - we may be few and far between but I refuse to give up - if I do give up then Chris wins - he took enough from me I will not give him this satisfaction!

Monday, May 30, 2011

It's so nice when..:..

It's so nice when some thing or someone enters your life and you finally have a glimpse at remembering what happier times were and remembering that you are a good person worthy of happiness and someone affection and time.   More to come - I hope.......

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Polar Caves

Go to the Polar Caves if you ever get the chance. I went there today it was amazing. Total tranquility, I was the only person there.  It truly was amazing!  I will post more pictures but here are a few.

I don't know how this new phone is doing on posting to this blog as I have not actually been on a real computer to check.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Better shot - almost done

I am close to done

Another update

Update - still working

Why do I love otters so much? My mummer did too.

Base lines of todays work

Still working but I think my muse may be full of the typical let downs and bs. But we will see and hell right now we are just friends 3000 miles apart so whatever. Anyway I don't really care cause he brought back parts of me that chris destroyed. When you beat a womans body for years you beat her mind, bruises and broken bones heal so much faster than the mind. Totally thinking of actually making that webpage you talked about Nikki or a varient of it! Ok time to get back to this fatboy - yeah I always had a thing about drawing and painting otters it started when I was about 12.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Tom Petty-The Wild One, Forever

There was at one time in my life a point where I felt every emotion in the words and music of this song, why did I loose that? I feel like I lost my ability to feel love or maybe the ability to find love or let love find me. No I haven't given up but i want to feel something again. Yes I did recently get my art back but now I want more I want (yes I am being greedy) I want all of me back I want to be loved I want to wake up with someone that loves me laying on the pillow next to me and I want to bring them coffee in bed and know that I am safe in their arms.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Gifts given Unknown

Into what was once a gloomy patch of ocean some sunshine poked through, corals bright red hues came back schools of brilliant yellow tang returned the oceans floor began to blossom with indigo and magenta as it had before so very long ago, the ocean only hopes to hold and embrace the warmth of the soft sunshine but until then the ocean she will grow and flurrish as she basks in the gentle rays of the gift that is sunshine

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Work in progress

Ok after over 2 years of artist block here we go! Lost some skills but they will come back. And this is just the begining of this canvas.

Frozen in hell, well maybe not hell

Into the heart that is all of good and loving kindness comes evil. So my frozen heart says.

Chris you have destroyed all that was me and when a kind man from my way way way back past tries to rekindle something in our hearts, once it appears possible that I might just be able to be kissed by another man. because of your violent abuse, cheating, lies and deceptions I can't believe anything, it all must be lies, there must be an alterior motive, I can't trust someone I have no fucking reason not to trust.

 I have known this person since I was 13! The most important thing that you took from me he gave back to me - you took my ability to paint and draw away, your repeated beatings not only damaged my body, mind and soul but they suppressed what ever in me created art and this man 3000 miles away with a few phone calls full of laughs, smiles and kind words undid that damage you caused. Maybe one day the rest of your handiwork will be repaired but until then my heart is frozen in the icy tundra of fear you left me with.

 But then again fuck you. You will never have peace in your life and I can slip into my painting and have more peace than you will ever know.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

off to work.......

Thought this was a good song for the shit I am gonna be dealing with for the next few hours - Come on 2pm shift change. Its work not high school people, and how the hell old are you people!!!!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Death & Taxes

Well I filed my taxes. Now its a waiting game to see if they take my refund to pay my ex-husbands back taxes. What a slimeball! How do people go through life so evil and selfish. I just don't get it, the thought of screwing someone over or causing someone harm is beyond me. I would not want the karma!!!

 Its all about Karma! We are responsible for every action and every thought we have.

 Lately I have been having to deal with petty high school type BS at work and I had to decide to ignore all the BS even though I was the target of it. I decided it was what it was and I know better as do the people that I call my friends and if the others need to do/say this foolishness to make themselves feel better then so be it. I hope it brings them what ever they are looking for but I will not let it effect me its not worth my effort.

 So can I actually be a Zen Witch? Or is it a Zen Kitchen Witch. Lol anyway I never hear anything about Zen Witches, Zen is a way of life or of being not actually a religion unto itself so it surprises me that I have never heard the term Zen Witch before.... opinions! It truly was Zen thought and life that got me through the hell of the last few years and the crazy mental aftermath, nothing else even began to help. But I am and always will be a earth loving hippie Witch.

 Speaking of hippies this is a great book I just bought, even has pictures of Jim Morrison in it Bonus!!

 -thinking of doing a Podcast-