Friday, November 4, 2011

I am not lost in A void, i am lost in THE void!

I am so not lost in a void but rather I am quite lost in the void that has become the sorry shadow of the life I once lived.  Which yes is the past and is well to be forgotten but its not. 

I carry this list in my head of things to forget or things I have forgot that are brought up and trigger non stop crying if a song plays on the radio, oh hell I was shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop the other day and all I could think of was what fun Joe and I had shopping at the Tree (he enjoyed it more, I am not a big shopper).

Its like I don't understand my life, I was forced to leave everything I owned, my beautiful house, my horse and my woods to escape the beatings and almost being killed by Chris, and I am ok with that I did the right thing otherwise I would be dead.  But its Joe that haunts me and it is not even really him so much as the need to have a deep connection to someone like that, we were married for 15 years and I know not all of it was great but we did things together, enjoyed things together, played games together, entertained company together, had dinners together, coffee junkies, zoos, museums, we were connected.  I need a connection of some kind up here, I have no one here that I connect with.  (and NO I am not talking about sex, just incase you missed the point)

I have a job that I did like when I started but things have changed, people have come and gone, now I just work my ass off as others coast by, I cover their asses in order to save mine.  I make a low but better than some wage but its not enough for the amount of work I do and barely covers bills, I am in the process of working out of this issue, but that will just cause more stress and undo drama, however that will be theirs not mine, I try to remove drama from my life as much as I can.

My only real friend up here is one I have known since I was 19 although before moving up here I hadn't seen or heard from her for about 20 years,  she has been a great help and a good friend, but there is not that connection we are different people now, I want to go to a coffee house and play chess, I want to go to a play, a museum, the zoo, a day trip to the lighthouses in Maine, I need culture in my life and art. I want someone to finish my sentences!  Answer my questions without having to ask them. 

Although my life in more Zen focused now (not that this post reflects that in anyway since I am basically whining).  I know thats a bit of a change but nothing was getting my head over the horrors of the things that Chris did to me until I started living Zen so I guess I am a bit of a Zen Witch. I so miss my coven and all my Pagan friends - I have found no one here which totally surprises me, I have no like minded or even closely like minded people to talk to let alone connect with. 

I bought a house basically so I could have a cat - ok that is sad but true,  I do love the inside of my house but I hate the outside, need more money to take care of that (again i am working on that issue).

I am not unhappy don't miss understand,  I am just lost in this void that has become my life and I am trying all I can to get out of the void, I just need a connection, a link, a common bond with someone before I turn into a a shell of myself, the me that once was.  I know that that me is gone, or part of her, she was lost when Joe left but I know that my life is not over I will have that connection with someone again, and that connection I am talking about is not just with a man, I had that connection with several friends before, one more than others, I know these things are possible again but until I find them I am in the void that is now my life, a vast empty shell.  The good thing about that is that the emptiness can be filled with new things, new experiences, new hopes and dreams, new and old friends, new love and most important, new beginnings.

Time for yoga and get ready for work- Damn

1 comment:

  1. Tricia, you have always had me and will always have me. I miss you more than I can bear some days. I did energy work long distance with Teresa the other night & your connection kept pushing in. I couldn't send energy in 2 separate directions so I focused on Resa. I have tried to get in touch with you but it never seems to work. Call me whenever you want. You should know that. I should also know that I love you unconditionally.