Under the Guise of Time

Under the Guise of Times

part 1

Minds full of war and strife

Battle lines of the mind tangled

Anger and rage - lifes dreams abandoned

Leave and left behind all of life

Heart and soul ruined, left and strangled

To survive, all and everything unhanded

Time- evil monster I'm no longer your wife

Your evil twisted my mind - Horrors entangled

All of what was my life gone - left stranded

part 2

Like a Phoenix risen from the ashes longing for life

Avoided questions and answers from the foolish masses

Comfort only seems to come in random glimpses

Who am I now? memories of self only cause tears

Mind twisted bruised lasting scars

Don't know myself, lost myself, lost the moon and stars

For that I have shame

Shame shame shame - shame on you

Shame - you have no shame

Gifts given Unknown

Into what was once a gloomy patch of ocean some sunshine poked through, corals bright red hues came back schools of brilliant yellow tang returned the oceans floor began to blossom with indigo and magenta as it had before so very long ago, the ocean only hopes to hold and embrace the warmth of the soft sunshine but until then the ocean she will grow and flurrish as she basks in the gentle rays of the gift that is sunshine

Work in progress

Ok after over 2 years of artist block here we go! Lost some skills but they will come back. And this is just the begining of this canvas.

Frozen in hell, well maybe not hell

Into the heart that is all of good and loving kindness comes evil. So my frozen heart says.

Chris you have destroyed all that was me and when a kind man from my way way way back past tries to rekindle something in our hearts, once it appears possible that I might just be able to be kissed by another man. because of your violent abuse, cheating, lies and deceptions I can't believe anything, it all must be lies, there must be an alterior motive, I can't trust someone I have no fucking reason not to trust.

 I have known this person since I was 13! The most important thing that you took from me he gave back to me - you took my ability to paint and draw away, your repeated beatings not only damaged my body, mind and soul but they suppressed what ever in me created art and this man 3000 miles away with a few phone calls full of laughs, smiles and kind words undid that damage you caused. Maybe one day the rest of your handiwork will be repaired but until then my heart is frozen in the icy tundra of fear you left me with.

 But then again fuck you. You will never have peace in your life and I can slip into my painting and have more peace than you will ever know.

Aerosmith - You See Me Crying

This is such a beautiful song I wish they did not put that stupid intro on there -
at least its only a few seconds long.

This song makes me want to cry and right now I am relating way to much to this.  It has been a good day that ended crappy.  There is only so much one person can handle and right now I need a kick in the ass to remember how to live instead of run.  I am not used to being alone and I still after 18 months I can't stand my days off cause I don't want to be home alone, I hate it. But at the same time I don't think I want someone here either I just need to find other people other "circles" to do things with, I move back up here to New England thinking I will have no problem finding other people to work with or classes or study or just hang out and no luck, oh damn I am being whiny on here I didn't want to do that, but damn I can't scream in silence for much longer.

Please don't get me wrong I am happy and I am very happy here, I just need some interaction with like minded people.  I want to dance under the moon again, I want to say Merry Meet or Blessed Be and not get looks like I just jumped off the crazy train.  I don't have my sense of community here I guess thats it.  I used to teach magical craft classes and all that - I need a potluck supper with a circle!

On a brighter less whiny note I finally broke down and bought a winter coat today in Littleton, I like Littleton thought I might find some witchiness there, did find a store but thats it - I think that is very strange a store on its own - not unless there are people there to buy the stuff and there are always people there, so where are you all hiding???  Oh damn I am whining again.

Lets see x-husband I think has finally got it - talk to me like a human or leave me the fuck alone, one can only be texted or e-mailed "send me a picture of your big titties" so many times before you reach your want to puke limit.  There is a reason you are my X-husband.  So that shit is over so that is good.  Got a coat that is good, talked to an old friend today another good, dropped my huge bowl of homemade pasta salad all over the floor that was not so good, LOL.  Oh and ate Cracker Jacks and drank Coffee only thing missing is the Lucky Charms.  (ok some of you might not get that - but I do and it makes me smile a big huge smile),  so maybe it was not all that bad a day.

I did drive all the way to The Green House to go to Open Mike night and there were no seats and I was not standing in a bar all night by myself - sitting would have been fine but not standing.  That did kinda suck cause I had to turn around and drive all the way back, but what the hell my car is great on gas.  I have had it for 3 months and only had to put gas in it 3 times so far and I drive all over these mountains and drive down to Nashua too (thats a couple hours - but they have a Trader Joes' and my brother)

Oh hell I just need someone to go get a cup of coffee with!
Dunkins' anyone?  Damn to late they are closed already!

The Life of the Witch

I Love this one! It makes me feel very strong and empowered!

And most importantly it makes me feel at peace!

Lessons from Jim

I'm interested in anything about revolt, disorder, chaos, especially activity that appears to have no meaning. It seems to me to be the road toward freedom.

Lessons from Jim

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

She Sits (yeah I wrote a poem, stop laughing)

She sits, she watches
She listens, she learns
She learns what not to do.

She sits, she gets wounded
She listens, she begs
She learns he does not hear.

She sits, she obeys
She listens, she cries
She learns she does not matter.

She sits, she bruises
She listens, she stuffs it down inside
She learns he does not love her.

She sits, she bleeds
She listens, she hears her silence
She learns he feels no guilt.

She sits, she is not safe
She listens, she begs again
She learns he does not care.

She sits, she thinks
She listens, she hears her thoughts
She learns she has the power.

She sits, she speaks
She listens, she tells him to leave
She learns she has strength.

She sits, she is lonely
She listens, she remembers
She learns to be herself.

She sits, she smiles
She listens, she hears music
She learns she is happy.

She sits, she wonders
She listens, she chooses
She learns she makes her destiny.

She sits, she breathes
She listens, she is relaxed
She relizes she is now free.

TC 9/15/10

Lessons from Jim

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”